Hate Sleeping Alone

"She's losing it right now. She has choices she should make, I think she's choosing it right now." - Drake

Well, as most of you probably know, I'm going to start dating again. I took a year off for myself. Renewed my relationship with God which I didn't really realize I needed - thought it was fine the way it was - until it started feeling "refreshed" and I felt myself begin to change a little. Felt my views and opinions grow a little. Not a ton, but enough to notice. Whether anyone else has noticed, I'm not really sure, and don't really care - it's about me after all. :)

Anyways, about this whole dating thing. A couple of months ago I decided I would start in 2012, and I had planned to go hardcore - I said "a minimum of 3 dates a month" - well, I've changed my mind there. For a few reasons.

First, PA school unfortunately did not work out this time. But it's only my first attempt and it was a last minute attempt. So I'm applying again - but in order to do that, it's in my best interest to take a couple classes and raise my GPA a little. It's not bad, it's just average. I want to be more competitive and in order to do so, it could be a little higher. Even if it doesn't raise a ton, the fact that I've made the effort to raise it will help my chances. Plus, I didn't study much for the GRE when I took it, I did fine but I know if I truly studied and applied myself, I could kick booty! So I will be busy with studying and won't have as much time for dating as originally anticipated.

Second, there is work. We are still trying to develop a new job role and being one of the primary test subjects has taken it's tole on me the last 3 months (ya know, working til 7pm one day and 2 am the next messes up the sleep!). While my schedule will be going back to normal (praise Jesus!), I will still be testing out the new role and it still requires a lot of learning. I really want to throw myself into it as much as possible because it will be very beneficial for my future.

Third, dating is exhausting. It is. Sure, for a girl, it's nice to get dressed up and go to dinner with someone and have an intelligent/interesting conversation, but it gets tiring quickly. So too much is just a no-no right now. Plus, it's expensive. But at the same time, we girls like to be shown some effort and to feel like we are worth the time/thought behind a date, which is why I've chosen this route instead of a friends-with-benefits option - In my opinion, no girl wins with that. If she thinks she does or it's good for her than so be it, but she should know that she's valued. Plus, men are dumb. Most are anyways, which adds to the exhausting factor....do I really want to go out with another potentially boring/stupid guy to find out if he might be "the one"? Am I supposed to give every guy a second chance if the first date is bad or awkward? Ugh! I'm worn out just thinking about it all.

Last, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not going to meet anybody really worth my time. Sure, I'll make some new friends which is one of the perks, but what if a year from now (assuming we survive the world ending), I'm sitting here thinking "well this year blew too." To be honest, I'm not trying to meet the love of my life or even a boyfriend right away. I'm not trying to go fast. But what if I don't meet anyone of any significance? On top of that, what if I do? I'm scared to open up. The couple of times I have in my life, I've been hurt. Some more than others and in different ways but still. Even when I didn't open up, I still got screwed over. That crap makes it hard to trust or have good feelings about anybody new.

Anyways, I'm tired and have a lot to do around the house tonight so I will continue this story in the new year. The next post will be about what I'm looking for, requirements, preferences, and all that jazz.

God bless you and Happy New Year friends!

Shot For Me

"I could tell that you been crying all night, drinking all summer. Praying for your happiness, hope that you recover." - Drake

So this year....

this year....

This year (as I sit here and shake my head) has been a rollercoaster year for me...one with very few highs.

I feel like all I did this year was eat, sleep, and work work work. Throw in some tears, drinking, and dancing for good measure. That was my year in a nutshell.

The lows -

Despite tons of preparation, I did not do as well as I would've liked on my MCAT. That was like a knife to the gut. I had to re-evaluate my goals and make new plans.....I hate making new plans.....

Money was tight here and there.....I was never in the negatives and never had to borrow or get loans but for my means and what I've always been used to, money got tight on occasion. I learned about budgeting more than ever.

I was single for the entire year. Not necessarily by choice for the whole time but I digress and that's life. I cried a lot...A LOT....mostly at night thinking about my loneliness blah blah blah....and then I'd hear noises and scare myself and wish I had a boyfriend to call. And there was a blizzard and I had no man to go warm the car up and help shovel snow or help re-light the pilot light. I think maybe I've mentioned this in a previous post but this was the first time in a total of 5 years that I have been truly alone for an extended period of time. There has always been a guy, either a friend or boyfriend or someone I'm casually dating to keep me company, go see a movie with, grab some lunch...whatever....and that's not to say I don't still have those options if I want them, I just don't want them. See the last couple of months, I've really embraced being single and it's been really great once I just accepted it for what it was. Realizing that I may never be here in my life again *insert snide remarks from friends about how I'll probably be single the rest of my life here* ....also remembering how expensive and exhausting dating is really helped me get to this point. Seeing friends and their marriage/relationship problems....makes me sorta thankful I have nobody to answer to and nobody else to consider (slightly selfish I know). ANYWAYS, this paragraph took a turn I was not planning to discuss just yet so returning back to the topic of *this year*

**maybe being single has been both a high and a low**

I felt a lot of anger, bitterness, and sadness this year. For various reasons and sometimes for reasons I don't even know. I was close to calling the doc and getting something to lift the spirits - a happy pill if you will - but decided against it. I'm glad I didn't. I'm okay now....

The highs -

I found a church I love and renewing my relationship with God really helped me through all the lows this year.

NYC. NYC. NYC. (you can see my pictures on Facebook)

That's about it.

Anyways, I'm not sad to see 2011 go. I'll be posting soon about the fantastic plans I have for 2012 but I'll give you a hint right now....................................................................................................................

.......I plan to start dating again in January 2012...........

I've Got This Friend

"I've got this friend, holding on to her heart, like it's a little secret, like it's all she's got to give." - The Civil Wars

It's been a minute since the last post....sorry! Been hella busy!

.....Sex and the City.....

***Spoil Alert - if you haven't watched the show or movies but you intend to, you may not want to read this, as it might spoil some things.***

I have a series of theories that involve my all-time favorite show that I'll share with you over the next few weeks. The first one being the "Aidan and Big" theory.

Now, this theory will not apply to every woman, but it will to most. If you got married to your high school sweetheart and are still happily in love, then this may not be for you. If you haven't been in at least a few relationships, then this definitely won't apply. But if you are single or were single for a while and have had the chance to date around and have relationships, then hopefully, you can relate. I say "hopefully" because if nobody relates, then my theory is a bust.

Allow me to briefly introduce the characters:

Mr. Big:

Basically, he is Carrie's main love interest throughout all of the seasons and movies....off and on and off and on.....he's a good-looking, arrogant, rich Wall Street guy. He breaks her heart at least 3 times in the series alone and then once more in the first movie. Tells her she not "the one", cheats on her, marries someone else. But she just can't let him go. She keeps waiting for him. He FINALLY (as in, the last episode) comes to his senses about her and magically becomes the man she's been hoping and praying for.

Aiden:

Carrie was immediately attracted to Aiden. He took things very slow - respected her - which threw her for a loop but made him an instant favorite among viewers. He treats her like a queen. He was the cute country boy and a genuine good guy....far too good for Carrie. I say that because she cheats on him with Big. Then she chases after him wanting him back, which he agrees to and eventually they get engaged. But something never feels right about it so Carrie breaks it off and we don't see Aiden again until the second movie when they run into each other randomly and catch up and have an innocent kiss which Big forgives.

It's obvious which guy I wanted her to end up with. Aiden aiden aiden! But what can I say? The heart wants what it wants despite what everyone else prefers or wants for you. You gotta make you happy and let that be the end of it.

But anyways, on to the theory.......

My theory is simple: every girl (who meats the above criteria of having dated for a while) has had both a Big and an Aiden at least once in her life. Maybe they are still present, and maybe not. Maybe you have more than one Big or Aiden. There's a lot of give in this theory, as it obviously varies from person to person. Maybe instead of marrying your Big, you married your Aiden.

All I'm saying is that the majority of women have a man that comes in and out of her life, hurting her, using her blah blah....but for some reason, she lets him because something just clicks with him. That's her Big. Maybe you grew a pair and kicked him away for good - or for a long time at least. Women also have a good guy that they let go, that they didn't appreciate enough - "The one that got away" - their Aiden. Like I said, maybe you realized what was good for you and you picked him.

Everybody's a little different. Maybe you will always love the one that got away and wish it would've worked out, and will always have a Big in your life but hopefully you have enough sense to see him for what he really is......and maybe you just don't end up with either of them. You see, the thing about tv show and movies, aside from the fact that they are fictional, is that you never see what happens after it ends. Maybe a new guy comes into your life, a character that was never written, that does the sweeping you off your feet etc etc......who knows?

Settlin'

"With my heart wide open, you know I will, find what it means to be the girl, who changed her mind and changed her world." - Sugarland

I went to the dentist today and got a lecture......

Why is it that dentists always try to carry a conversation with you when they are messing around in your mouth. Awkward.

Anyways, I know what you are thinking.....that if I didn't eat so much candy, or sweets in general, and drink so much chocolate milk and Dr Pepper, that I probably wouldn't have been lectured. Well, you are wrong. That's not what my lecture was about.

It was about settling. "Coulda, woulda, shoulda...."

He asked me what I was doing in life, I told him I applied to PA school and proceeded to question why I changed from medical school and that's where it all started. Of course, he wants me to be a dentist because he just loves his jobs, but mouths are just gross to me.

Anyways, he just kept saying "just be sure you're not settling. Be a PA if that's what you really want to do but just be sure that in 5 or 10 years you're not gonna be saying I wish I would've done this, or I should've done that. You're young, don't get to be my age and look back on your life wishing you had done more or done things different."

He was talking mostly about my career path, but I can't help but think about life outside of the career. How many of us "settle" in life? Truly settle.....settle for a guy that you may love, but it's more of a security thing? Settle in a job that you trudge to work everyday for but can't wait for it to be over? Settle for a life that's just mediocre in your opinion? I won't lie, right now I'm settled but just because I'm waiting for that next step....I gotta get into school somewhere before I can be in a career I really like, gotta get the guy I'm head over heels for, gotta save more money to live where I really want to and travel and do all the things I really want to. I'm content. But I don't want to just be content. I'm trying to make the most of it for now.

Waiting temporarily is one thing. But how many people are settled for the foreseeable future? Not where they want to be but don't know how to get there? I hope they figure it out and work towards it. Life's too short (so cliche but true nonetheless).

Baby, Baby, Baby

"If you want my heart, and all my time, well it won't be there if you can't deal with my mind. 'Cause a girl like me, I won't stand for less. I require plenty of conversation with my sex." - TLC

Well ladies, insurance FINALLY has to pay for our birth control - no copays - yay! Now, for me, it's not that big of a deal.....$10 a month is what I pay so there's another lunch I can have I guess....saving every little bit helps though....I know plenty of women who pay $20, $30, and even $50 a month for their contraceptives.....excuse me? baking powder? (Waynes World quote)....that's $600 a year......that's a trip to Vegas!!!! Come on now! I mean sure, in the grand scheme of it all, you'd pay, oh I don't know, probably ten times that much per year if you had a baby so I guess it's not horrible but still.......

Now, on to the men......I'm sorry, you don't want to wear a condom because it "feels different?" You think I should buy the condoms? (for the record - this is hypothetical or used from previous conversations - no man has ever asked me to provide condoms and in case you missed it, I'm single and celibate until further notice....probably forever but whatever....) You don't have any disease? So you've been to the doctor recently and been tested? Because Ladies and Gentlemen....in case you didn't know....most men are simply carriers of STD's and don't have symptoms.....and the ones that they do get symptoms with (is Chlamydia, Syphilis), are curable. They one's they don't, HPV for example, are with you for a lifetime. I mean this isn't even about the baby because that's what the birth control is for...I'd rather have a baby then an incurable disease....but whatever, be stupid with your lives, not my problem.

Most men don't even get annual check ups because they don't have to buy birth control so they don't have to go for that yearly joy - you know...the one where you go, get undressed, lay on your back with your feet up in the air (stirrups) and spread 'em.....then have a plastic gun inserted into your special place where they dig around with a cotton swab to see if you got some disease that the man who said he didn't have anything and didn't wear a condom gave you....but not even just any old STD....also, let's search for CANCER!!! Really?!?!? This is what we go through men......what the hell do you go through? Because when my little joyous doctors visit is over, I'd personally like you to go through my right hook. I'm sorry, you don't want the doctor to take a swab from your special place? We push children out ours and bleed from it every month but you can't be man enough to wear protection and be tested....if for no other reason....do it because you "love" the woman you're with. Wow.....

Now, I know you're probably thinking, "Chiny, if you don't have a boyfriend and aren't having sex, why are you on birth control and why do you care so much?" First of all, I'm on birth control to help with that lovely time of month when we all are so pleasant....but also, should I choose to partake in any extra-curricular activities, I will be protected. With that said, I guess I should just say once again that I am in fact celibate BY CHOICE, despite what some may think, and have chosen this route because of my growing relationship with God and frankly the fact that I'm just not a girl who sleeps around (despite the impression you may get from my FB posts - those are meant for a laugh people! Get a sense of humor!). I'll cross that bridge if God ever blesses me with a man again, but I'm in no hurry. I care so much because I just do. I work in healthcare and all I've ever wanted to do was help people and Oklahoma is one of the most sexually unhealthy states in the US because of pregnancies, abortions, and STD's.....just makes me sad when most of it could be prevented.

I just thought this was hilarious though! FAIL!

The birth control news:

http://www.nbcactionnews.com/dpp/news/health/Free-birth-control-starts-in-2012

I'm Yours

"I may not have the softest touch, I may not say the words as such, and though I may not look like much, I'm yours. And though my edges may be rough, I never feel I'm quite enough, it may not seem like very much, but I'm yours." - The Script

If You Love Me

If you love me, you won't judge me.

You won't let your opinions about me or your feelings for me be affected by things out of my control.

You won't let what others think about me change what you think about me.

You won't focus on my faults and seek out my imperfections.

You won't give up on me.

If you love me, you won't hurt me twice.

You won't do again that which hurt me once.

You won't let your actions towards me be out of anger or resentment.

You won't lie to me or disrespect me with your actions or your words.

You won't have conditions, because love is unconditional.

If you love me, you will love me for me.

You will want me around.

You will talk to me, confide in me.

You will honor me, uphold me, and admire me.

You will miss me when I'm away and long for my return.

You will call me just to hear my voice.

You will smile when you see me and find me beautiful when I'm not.

You will hug and kiss me everyday.

You will defend me when they attack me.

You will take my side when I'm right and help me understand when and why I'm wrong; but you will speak your peace on it and be done, because love is unconditional.

You will guide me, for I am not perfect and will need your help.

I am me and nobody else. I make mistakes, say the wrong things, make good choices and bad, act crazy and sane in a matter of minutes. I am smart yet naive. I don't know everything, but I know some things. I know I have a huge heart with so much love to give.

If you love me, you will love me.

I Get Lonely Too

"Baby, I could really get to know you. Take my time and show you......just like you, I get lonely too." - Drake (cover of TLC's Fanmail)

I'm very independent. And I mean VERY I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. I always have been. I go shopping, eat, see movies...everything...by myself. I almost booked a trip to NYC for just me for the fall and the only thing that stopped me was limited funding. I have my own house, a paid off SUV, the same job for 9+ years, and I've raised pretty much one of the best dogs ever (minus the barking). I need my "alone time" - it's crucial for my survival and sanity.

I've recently joined a Bible study group that meets once a week and discusses various topics. I've really enjoyed it. Everyone is around my age and single.....and so Godly in their actions and words, which is refreshing. Last night and a few weeks ago there was a little bit of discussion about being single and this time in our lives, in my life. How God will use me differently now than He will IF He blesses me with marriage. Most of the people there are very thankful to be single and really enjoying this time that God is giving them to glorify Him with their ways. I feel almost bad for saying it, but I'm not right there with them.....I'm somewhere in between.

I do want to use this time to work for God and His kingdom and sometimes I feel totally fine and comfortable with where I am, but I'm so lonely at the same time. Maybe "lonely" isn't the right word but I don't quite the know how to say it. I guess I just feel "unsettled" or something. Like there is some sort of internal conflict. See, I don't really want to date right now. Dating is exhausting. It is and isn't fun at the same time. I like being at home on the weekends a lot more than I used to, but I wouldn't mind being at home with somebody. But at the same time, I don't want to sound like a girl who just wants a boyfriend, because Lord knows that is not the case! A) I do not need a man to survive and B) I'm super picky. It's just hard to watch other people in all their happiness. Today a girl got a sweet e-mail from her boyfriend and I couldn't help but thinking "I miss that feeling".....it brought tears to the surface, though they didn't fall.

Affection is a big deal for me. Not always physical affection (we'll dive into that issue some other time), but verbal affection too. I don't do well with compliments, never have. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate them. Telling me how much you like me, miss me, whatever....it's all good. Unless of course the feeling isn't mutual, then you've just made it awkward. Anyways......there is a need that we all have, a need to be wanted and loved and held etc etc. And do not preach to me here - I love God with all my heart, but there is a reason He made Eve for Adam....

This is the first year in 5 years that I have been truly alone. Maybe not every guy that was around was a "boyfriend" or even someone I was dating, but there has always been someone to occupy my time and keep my mind busy. There was always someone to offer affection. Not having that now really sucks. The kicker? I have had the opportunities to have friends/dates and the affection and companionship those offer this year, I just don't want them - nice guys, I just have no desire, somethings just not there. So what's a girl to do? Just pray and wait I guess. Seems like the waiting will never end, but luckily my faith is forever.

Ordinary Pain

"We don't have to talk about the ones that we can't live without. Everybody needs somebody, it's just an ordinary pain." - Lifehouse

I grew up with the mentality that I think most of us did - you can do anything you set your mind to......you can be anything you want to be. As I got older each year, I had support in everything I did and was always reminded that I can and will achieve greatness in everything I do. I mean, I interned with the FBI and Hopkins (not bragging, just saying) so I know I have a brain and common sense. BUT......

*PARENTING* ------ is this a job I'm cut out for.....a job I'm capable of ever doing full-time?

I ask this question after months and months of soul searching and frankly, after spending 18 hours with two 11 year old girls. ELEVEN YEARS OLD - no diapers or midnight feedings and I'm freaking exhausted!

"Can we do this before we do this?" "I want chick-fil-a, no I want subway" "My dad gave me $10 worth of quarters to play video games before the movie.......this machine won't take quarters, do you have $2?....This machine only takes dollars too" "I want to see Bad Teacher" How do you people do it? Not to mention the midnight Pepsi spill that went all over my end table, my mail, and my floor because they thought they should have a pillow fight.

Now, yes, I said months and months of soul searching. Maybe it's the biological clock? Maybe it's the loneliness? Maybe it's the fact that my nearest and dearest friends are marrying and reproducing left and right. I'm not sure, I just know that for the past year or so, or at least this year, I've considered reconsidering my stance on children.

What is my stance? If you know me, you know this answer. If you don't - here it goes. I've never wanted kids. Ever. I didn't play "house" with my baby dolls growing up. I played doctor. Kids have always liked me, always been drawn to me. Which I find weird because they make me so uncomfortable. I don't know how to talk around them, what to talk about. I don't know how to play Barbie or anything like that. I just never felt that I was built for children. There are a lot of religious reasons for not wanting them; I won't go there today but I'll tell you it has to do with the way the world is and my fear for raising kids in it.

With that said, I know I'd be a good mother - or at least, I'd learn to be a good mother. How do I know? Besides the fact that I've been told this by a lot of people, I know I have a lot of "motherly qualities." I always have. At 18, I agreed to take full responsibility for my little cousin if something ever happened to my uncle *ahem, this is the 11 year old from above btw.* In February, I took the responsibility of Godmother for my best friends two daughters. I turned down the offer a few years ago (because of the fear of the children) but something told me to take it this time. I was honored to be asked because it's a huge responsibility and I like knowing that I have some qualities that my friend appreciated enough to consider me. But again, was it the biological clock that made me say "yes?" Working in the postpartum unit for a couple years might have made me soft to the idea. Being around newborns all the time. I even have baby names picked out...you know, just in case.....not that there will be a "just in case" accident since I'm a firm believer in birth control AND condoms - but that's a whole other story.

At this point, I'm not saying I want kids or don't want kids. I just question if I would ever have the patience to have them? Will I feel like I'm missing out if I don't have them? Will I miss out on things if I do have them? Will I feel tied down?

As mentioned in a previous post, let's just worry about finding a husband first. Haha!

And P.S., I love my Charlie more than I could ever express. To me, at this point in my life, he is the perfect child!

Make-up Bag

"If you ever make your girlfriend mad, don't let your good girl go bad. Drop five stacks on that make-up bag." - The Dream

I went running this morning and this song by The Dream came on during the shuffle. Long story short, it's about a guy whose girlfriend is mad because she caught him cheating but he can buy back her love and forgiveness if he spends enough money on her.

To clarify, the "make up bag" is not about cosmetics. It's what a man would buy a woman to "make up" with her.

So it got me thinking about what men do to "apologize" to women. I don't know that I could forgive cheating, and hopefully I'll never have to find out. That's a bridge I'll cross if I ever come to it. But still, men do lots of dumb things that can be forgiven. Do they still buy flowers for women to say "sorry"? Unacceptable. Do not buy me flowers to apologize, do not buy me flowers on my birthday or Valentines day. Buy me flowers on a random Tuesday because you were thinking about me. That's the only time it's okay, at least for me (some women like them all the time). ****And NEVER send flowers to my job but that's another story (some people know what I mean here!!!)****

Anyways, ladies, what would be in your "make up bag" if you had one? I'm not materialistic and I don't want things bought for me generally. But I think I could forgive a guy for something little if he bought me a Sonic Dr Pepper and some peanut butter M&M's....and maybe some BBQ Pringles. Yep, junk food is the way to my heart. Ha!

Whatever You're Doing

Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace..... - Sanctus Real

I will never forget when I was little, probably 6 or 7, my grandpa took me fishing one day. Early that morning, we went up to Mr Bass (in Skiatook) and got a bunch of bait (minnows) and headed to Skiatook Lake with his little boat. We went out on the lake for what seemed like hours and hours. I don't remember if we actually caught anything or not - I don't think I did - but it was a great day.

About 3 or 4 years ago, he told me he wanted to go one more time with me and my little cousin (she will be 11 in a couple weeks) and she's told me many times she wanted to go "fishing with grandpa".....I just kept saying "we will when I'm off and there's good weather."

Last year on Christmas, I was sitting in the living room, just me and grandpa, and he told me he wanted to try to take my grandma out to Nevada to see her sister. He said "I think we both know it'll probably be the last trip I take." I just shook my head and said something like "geeze grandpa, way to ruin the spirit of today" or something close to that.....

It breaks my heart to know that he was right.

The last couple months grandpa has been getting sicker and sicker. Earlier this week we learned that he has had small strokes and apparently a mild case of Parkinson's which has become more evident now that he is not working. Yesterday we found out that he probably has some form of cancer but they don't know exactly what kind until they run more tests.

There is a lot more going on but I don't feel like sharing it. I just don't want him to suffer and I want my grandma to be okay. I'm sad that we never got to take another fishing trip. He's too weak to go on one now.

I'd Rather Be With You

"I need to be bold, need to jump in the cold water. Need to grow older with a [boy] like you. Finally see, you were naturally, the one to make it so easy when you showed me the truth. I'd rather be with you. Say you want the same thing too." - Joshua Radin

For years, my primary hobby has been sleeping. May sound a little sad or something, but what can I say? I'm great at it! I guess the other primary hobby I have is listening to music....it's rare for me to have silence in the background of my life. But then I love to dance, so I guess that's a pretty legitimate pastime. :)

But for more tangible activities, it's hard for me to pinpoint a specific one. Does going on long walks (with music!) count? Hmmm......I love to doodle and paint. Pastels. Oils. Colored pencils. Pen and ink. I love art in general. I have thousands of beads for making jewelry because I used to be really into it but don't have the time for it anymore. I guess blogging is a hobby? Lord knows I LOVE to write. Ever received a genuine e-mail from me? Exactly!!! Food is a biggie. I have hundreds of recipes but just being one person on a tight budget, I don't want to buy all the ingredients to cook something I probably can't finish off haha. So many desserts I'm dying to try......maybe someday when I have a larger household, and larger house in general lol. Wait, I got one.....READING. Love to read! Books, magazines, online medical journals....love it all! The pictures in the slideshow above were all taken and edited by me. No professional experience but I love photography as pastime. I've never taken any classes but I really want to. On that note, I guess I can put school as another one. I love to learn. Actually go to class, research, write papers; I'm a freak, I know....

I've probably bored you to tears with this random post today. It stems from somebody telling me recently to "get a hobby".....or maybe I told someone that? Either way, it got me thinking about how I spend my time and what my passions are.

Electric Feel

This is what the world is for, making electricity..... - MGMT

Jim Halpert.

If you do not know that name, then I feel very sorry for you. But here's just a little preview of this character I'm referring to:

Funny, cute, smart.....pretty much the total package. Honestly though, that may just be John Krasinski in general because in a lot of his work, his roles are somewhat similar to this character so maybe that's just the way he is?

(promoting this movie - Something Borrowed - it's cute. Not as good as the book but a good romantic comedy - for girls of course)

ANYWAYS, getting to my point, I promise....

There is something about Jim Halpert's character that I'm just in love with. The way I see it, there are two types of men in this world: the Jim Halperts and everyone else. I would say, about 80-90% of men fall into the "everyone else" category. They are obnoxious, arrogant, know-it-alls, cheaters, liars and so on. Then there are the Jim Halperts.......such a small percentage. It's sad really.

I have a habit of watching tv shows over and over and The Office is included in that mix. The more I watch it, the more I love Jim. He's a romantic, but in a subtle way. Not super mushy gushy which for me is a turn off. Clearly has a strong case of sarcasm (love!!!) and a lot of humor. And for the record, I am aware that I am blogging about a fake character....I just feel that if guys took a few notes from these awesome characters that Hollywood is so good at writing about, maybe there'd be more happy women in the world....then again, the women would have to wake up and see what's good for them - and we all know that ain't gonna happen!

So the question is: do you know any Jims? I'm curious to know if the percentage I have in my head is on point.....I think it is, but if it's higher, I'd love to be proved wrong.

I do know one. Maybe two. That's it. It's disheartening.....

On another note: this is one of my most favorite songs. So fun to dance to. I highly encourage you to watch this video because it's hilarious. I've never been on an acid trip, but I assume it's very similar to this....ENJOY!

Without Reason

"I don't want to live without reason." - The Fray

As most of you probably know, I don't have many cable channels; maybe twenty. I did that for a few reasons. 1) I couldn't really afford the regular package because of all the other bills I had when I moved into this home. I can now, but have never gotten around to changing it. 2) I did not want to be tempted to sit around and watch E! and TLC and yes, I'll admit it, Lifetime with their horrid made-for-tv movies on lazy weekends. I told myself that I could fill my time with better things. But I miss it, so I may give in and upgrade soon....I'll keep you posted.

Anyways...the reason for that little intro....

I went to lay out at the pool today but the clouds prevented that, so I became wrapped up watching CNN/HLN which featured the Casey Anthony trial. I've been following it online but it's very enrapturing to actually watch what's going on in the courtroom.

She did it.

I don't care what anyone says - I know most agree with me - her actions at that time were just absurd. And now they are claiming that Caylee drowned and Casey panicked and hid her. I'm sorry....you panicked? If my kid drowned, I'd be calling 911 trying to save her. I'd rather be charged with negligence than murder. I don't buy the drowning story. Nope.

If I were an attorney, I couldn't have taken her case. Morally, I mean. She acts that way, waits 31 days to report her daughter missing....how do you even begin to defend that? I know I know, I shouldn't be questioning somebody's morals. It's just confusing to me.

But, I'm not an attorney, or the judge, or the jury. I'm not there. I can't really say anything else on it.

But I can say this: some people do not deserve children. Many people do not deserve children. If you know me, you know I've never been big on the concept of kids. There are many reasons for this that I'll get into some other time. Do I think about it sometimes now? Yes, I do. Especially adoption. But, let's focus on finding a husband first, then we'll deal with that whole kids thing later. Let's get back on track here....

The fact is, if I did have kids, I would love them like there was no tomorrow. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking this, but if you don't want kids, don't have them? Silly me! If you have them and don't want to raise them, how about you don't kill/abuse them? Genius! It sickens me. Granted, I find myself uneasy around most children; but, I also think they are the most precious in the world, aside from puppies of course. How could you hurt them (kids and puppies alike!)? Why would you want to?

Valley of Tomorrow

"I am a troubled mind, I am a calloused heart. A failing engine from driving way too hard. I was trying way too hard. I pulled a 38 out of my bleeding heart. I killed my selfishness for bringing me this far....this far away from you." - NeedtoBreathe

I just have 3 words:

The tri-blend tee.

Well, I guess it's more of a 4 word hyphenate.

If you know me, or have met me at least once, than you know I LOVE these shirts....if there is a word bigger than 'love', I may feel it for these shirts. I live in them. They don't shrink, they are sooooooo soft, and just fit perfectly. They can be dressed up or dressed down. I've worn them to sleep in, to run in, and have even worn them with heels and sparkly jewelry. I first discovered these shirts while in Baltimore at the Johns Hopkins Barnes and Noble. It was my last week there and I needed to buy some souvenirs. I came across this shirt that was gray and had the word "Hopkins" across the front in navy blue outline in white. This shirt was so soft, I told myself that it was worth the $22 because it was a souvenir for myself. Little did I know, an addiction was manifesting within me.

True story: next thing I know, I've bought an OU one....then another OU one. Then when asked if there was anything I wanted for Christmas, I said "tri-blend t-shirts". No lie. The reason I asked for them as a gift? THEY ARE EXPENSIVE! The 2 OU shirts were at least $20 a piece but I talked myself into them because they were OU and I'd have them forever! A pack of solid colored ones from American Apparel is about $60......Now, if you don't know, let me just tell you - I do NOT spend ridiculous money on clothes. If a shirt or a dress is more than $10 or $15, I put it back. People who waste money are crazy in my opinion - so I got 3 shirts for Christmas. But wait, there's more! Then they came out with V-neck cuts! Wait, what?!?!?! I LOVE V-necks!! Not to mention, they had a purple one! Well next thing I know, I've purchased a 3 pack - don't judge me - it was on sale for $50.......I know, I'm shaking my head too.

So here is the problem. The only place I can find them is American Apparel and they cost too much. I can find tons of athletic ones and collegiate ones at various stores, but I have enough of those. I need a nice $5 tri-blend tee.....is that too much for a girl to ask?

If I Die Young

"So put on your best boys, and I'll where my pearls. What I never did is done." - The Band Perry

Okay - I need to vent. No, not vent. I just need to say a few things. And I pray that if you have teens/young adults or know of any that this may apply to, that you share with them.

Let's face it - times have changed since our parents were teenagers or even our age for that matter. But I remember vividly what it was like as a teenager and the few years after that where I thought I knew it all. I'm not saying I do now, but I certainly know more than I did.

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe there are just some things you need to figure out for yourself; maybe it'll be a mistake and maybe not. Honestly, I couldn't be writing this if I hadn't been there, done that.....But, "learning for yourself" is no excuse to be downright stupid. So.....

DEPRESSION: I struggled with some depression and suicidal ideations in middle school. Not to the point I ever came close to doing it, but enough that I cried a lot and thought about it in my head often. Not even so much the "act" but just "would anyone miss me?" I switched schools in middle school and had trouble with the new friends, or lack thereof. My sister had moved out and basically disappeared, the divorce was still fresh with lots of fighting, especially over money and softball. I had fallen behind due to transferring from public school to private school and the curriculum was far more advanced. I was not neglected or abused, but it hurt - whatever was going on was hurting me. And of course, I kept all this bottled up inside. Didn't even tell my family these feelings until just a few years ago. So what kept me going? My faith and knowing that I had people that did love me, even if it was only a small few; my family. Some people just suck - your peers are mean, especially at those younger "bullying" ages of 11-13ish.....

BODY IMAGE: I don't know many women that are completely satisfied with their bodies so this one is tricky. I struggled in high school, especially Junior and Senior year with my body. And not even just my body, but my awkwardness in general. My hair was frizzy, I had some acne, I didn't know how to wear makeup etc etc. My best friends were these teeny tiny things that always looked good (in my opinion anyways) and it was hard to be next to them. My bangs....oh dear the bangs! Shaking My Head!!! I was one of the taller girls in class which made me insecure because I felt like this huge amazon. I'd like to say I went off to college and suddenly transformed into this skinny model-like perfect thing.....ummm, no. The freshman fifteen? More like the freshman 20-25! Stretch marks? Had them since I was 12 or so from growing 6/7 inches in a year. My skin couldn't keep up with my body and unfortunately I still have those lovely little reminders to this day. But you know what I've come to find out? Do you know who cares about all of these "flaws" I have? Yep, just me. Nobody else. The only one this all matters to is me. The crazier part? The guys (well, most of them) find me attractive....some have even used the terms 'gorgeous' and 'beautiful'. A couple even said 'the perfect body'.....okay, I think that's all stretching it just a bit, but it does make you feel good. It does make you feel a little more confident and care a little less about what others think.....now, with all that said, when I was younger, no guy ever said any of those things to me. I never felt beautiful; not even at prom, when you are supposed to feel beautiful. And it sucked. A lot. Eventually you just grow up and "come into your own" and gain confidence in yourself......

LOVE & SEX: And here we go.....first, teenage/young love exists primarily in the movies. I know of very few cases that have succeeded in real life. The Notebook did not happen, but Juno did. You are NOT "in love" you ARE "in lust." Trust me, I know. Granted, I was not 14 or even 19 years old; nope, I was 21. My thought process? "I'm in my twenties....I'm much smarter than some dumb teenager. I know what love is. And he really loves me." Negative ghost rider. So wrong. The sad thing I learned from that particular relationship? A 26 year-old "man" can be as bad as a 17 year-old boy, if not worse. Teenagers a so stupid when it comes to sex/love. You don't even know who you are or what you want, how can you know who someone else is?!?!?!? Hell, I'm just now learning who I really am and what I really want and believe. There is a huge world to see and tons to learn before you go jumping into "love" and bed with someone.

So with all that said, here are my words of wisdom. It gets better. Life gets so much better after high school. And even after college. It all may suck at the time but you gotta just push through it. You figure out what friendship is and what you want in life and what you deserve from the opposite sex. You learn who to trust. But, I'm not naive; I know kids say "You don't know. You're old. This is different. This person is different. You've never been in love like we are. Parent just don't understand....blah blah blah" - so I'll say this: for the love of Pete, be smart about it! If nothing else, get on some birth control and use a freaking condom! Don't make an innocent baby pay for your stupidity and don't get an incurable disease that will cause you to become sterile, preventing you from having kids in the future when you are truly ready; actually, that might not be a bad idea - if you are dumb enough to have unprotected sex, not sure I want you reproducing. But no matter what the situation is: just pray. Have faith in God's promises. Seek advice. Just be smart. The end.

Watch this video....it's truly amazing and brings me to tears every time, but in a good way - there is nothing God can't protect us from. We are forgiven and delivered from evil.

And just because I love this song......

Older

"Seems like nothing is black and white anymore, shades of gray and I feel the weight over my shoulder. It's tough getting older. I always thought that I knew where I'd wanna go, but now I find that I'm still getting colder. It's kinda tough getting older." - Colbie Caillat

That song is such a fitting song for me in my life right now.

I am not a black & white person. I never have been and probably never will be. I mean, yes, of course there are some things that are obviously right and wrong, cut and dry, blah blah blah; but there are so many things that I am able to see both sides on - this is one reason why I have always HATED having to make difficult decisions. My kind of "gray" people are probably very frustrating to the "black & white" people because we probably seem like we can't choose, always wandering down the middle of the road. Maybe that's why I hate politics; for me, it always "depends on the issue being discussed" as to whether I support the Dems or the Reps. To some, I'm considered indecisive....but I say I have a brain and common sense....enough about politics though (I tend to go on random tangents from time to time).

I have been faced with many tough decisions lately; naturally, I can argue both sides and ultimately I am more confused than ever. Again, it "depends" on what the issue is as to whether there may or may not be a right/wrong choice. One example: my professional future. All my life, I was going to be a doctor - except for a brief two years that I was going to be a nurse and then quickly changed my mind back - that's all I've worked for. But, lately I've been faced with a different opportunity that may be more fitting for me but I just don't know. The problem? I feel like I could be just fine doing either one of them. I won't use the term "happy" to describe how I'd feel in one of these careers because I've realized that I'll need more than a career to make me happy. It will depend on what else is happening in my life. But I will say that either choice would be a smart choice and that I think I would wake up and want to go to work in the morning regardless. So at this point, it's in God's hands because I just don't know. And if you know me, you know that I can't stand to not know, to not have answers. Doesn't so much matter what the answer is, I just need one.

On that note, there really is that one verse that I just have to lean on right now...you know the one I'm talking about :) .....

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

I guess that's all for today. I'll save my other issues, like my love life, for another day. Have a blessed week!

Element

What if I don't wanna be the lonely one? The truth, I know, is this: I don't wanna miss you more.....than I already do. - Moses Mayfield

So I kept a blog 2 years ago when I was in Baltimore. It's amazing what two years can do to a person. How much different a person can be then who they were. I'm still me of course, but I've grown a lot. My mentality has grown, and is still growing. It's funny to look back on the posts now and remember what I was thinking at the time - remember what else was going on in my life at that time and all that jazz.

Well, I've become obsessed with a couple of different blogs these days and I love to write so I've felt inspired to resurface.....for now I've hidden my previous blog because I find some of the stuff I said a tad tacky; granted, I was younger and less mature but still....BUT, there is one thing that will remain the same, for now at least: the titles of my posts will be whatever song I'm listening to when I'm typing....and I'll include some lyrics at the beginning of each post, because music is my therapy and you all probably need to be exposed to some decent tunes.

Anyways....

Like I said, I love to write - only problem is, I don't know of many people that would want to read what I have to say....my life and my thoughts are rather boring. But oh well. If you find it unappealing, don't read it :)

So on that note, I don't have much to say today. There was a complete fiasco earlier today about half a mile from my house that I barely missed because I took a different road....praise Jesus! You can read about it below.

http://www.newson6.com/story/14757331/shooting-standoff-shuts-down-major-tulsa-intersection