Hate Sleeping Alone

"She's losing it right now. She has choices she should make, I think she's choosing it right now." - Drake

Well, as most of you probably know, I'm going to start dating again. I took a year off for myself. Renewed my relationship with God which I didn't really realize I needed - thought it was fine the way it was - until it started feeling "refreshed" and I felt myself begin to change a little. Felt my views and opinions grow a little. Not a ton, but enough to notice. Whether anyone else has noticed, I'm not really sure, and don't really care - it's about me after all. :)

Anyways, about this whole dating thing. A couple of months ago I decided I would start in 2012, and I had planned to go hardcore - I said "a minimum of 3 dates a month" - well, I've changed my mind there. For a few reasons.

First, PA school unfortunately did not work out this time. But it's only my first attempt and it was a last minute attempt. So I'm applying again - but in order to do that, it's in my best interest to take a couple classes and raise my GPA a little. It's not bad, it's just average. I want to be more competitive and in order to do so, it could be a little higher. Even if it doesn't raise a ton, the fact that I've made the effort to raise it will help my chances. Plus, I didn't study much for the GRE when I took it, I did fine but I know if I truly studied and applied myself, I could kick booty! So I will be busy with studying and won't have as much time for dating as originally anticipated.

Second, there is work. We are still trying to develop a new job role and being one of the primary test subjects has taken it's tole on me the last 3 months (ya know, working til 7pm one day and 2 am the next messes up the sleep!). While my schedule will be going back to normal (praise Jesus!), I will still be testing out the new role and it still requires a lot of learning. I really want to throw myself into it as much as possible because it will be very beneficial for my future.

Third, dating is exhausting. It is. Sure, for a girl, it's nice to get dressed up and go to dinner with someone and have an intelligent/interesting conversation, but it gets tiring quickly. So too much is just a no-no right now. Plus, it's expensive. But at the same time, we girls like to be shown some effort and to feel like we are worth the time/thought behind a date, which is why I've chosen this route instead of a friends-with-benefits option - In my opinion, no girl wins with that. If she thinks she does or it's good for her than so be it, but she should know that she's valued. Plus, men are dumb. Most are anyways, which adds to the exhausting factor....do I really want to go out with another potentially boring/stupid guy to find out if he might be "the one"? Am I supposed to give every guy a second chance if the first date is bad or awkward? Ugh! I'm worn out just thinking about it all.

Last, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not going to meet anybody really worth my time. Sure, I'll make some new friends which is one of the perks, but what if a year from now (assuming we survive the world ending), I'm sitting here thinking "well this year blew too." To be honest, I'm not trying to meet the love of my life or even a boyfriend right away. I'm not trying to go fast. But what if I don't meet anyone of any significance? On top of that, what if I do? I'm scared to open up. The couple of times I have in my life, I've been hurt. Some more than others and in different ways but still. Even when I didn't open up, I still got screwed over. That crap makes it hard to trust or have good feelings about anybody new.

Anyways, I'm tired and have a lot to do around the house tonight so I will continue this story in the new year. The next post will be about what I'm looking for, requirements, preferences, and all that jazz.

God bless you and Happy New Year friends!

Shot For Me

"I could tell that you been crying all night, drinking all summer. Praying for your happiness, hope that you recover." - Drake

So this year....

this year....

This year (as I sit here and shake my head) has been a rollercoaster year for me...one with very few highs.

I feel like all I did this year was eat, sleep, and work work work. Throw in some tears, drinking, and dancing for good measure. That was my year in a nutshell.

The lows -

Despite tons of preparation, I did not do as well as I would've liked on my MCAT. That was like a knife to the gut. I had to re-evaluate my goals and make new plans.....I hate making new plans.....

Money was tight here and there.....I was never in the negatives and never had to borrow or get loans but for my means and what I've always been used to, money got tight on occasion. I learned about budgeting more than ever.

I was single for the entire year. Not necessarily by choice for the whole time but I digress and that's life. I cried a lot...A LOT....mostly at night thinking about my loneliness blah blah blah....and then I'd hear noises and scare myself and wish I had a boyfriend to call. And there was a blizzard and I had no man to go warm the car up and help shovel snow or help re-light the pilot light. I think maybe I've mentioned this in a previous post but this was the first time in a total of 5 years that I have been truly alone for an extended period of time. There has always been a guy, either a friend or boyfriend or someone I'm casually dating to keep me company, go see a movie with, grab some lunch...whatever....and that's not to say I don't still have those options if I want them, I just don't want them. See the last couple of months, I've really embraced being single and it's been really great once I just accepted it for what it was. Realizing that I may never be here in my life again *insert snide remarks from friends about how I'll probably be single the rest of my life here* ....also remembering how expensive and exhausting dating is really helped me get to this point. Seeing friends and their marriage/relationship problems....makes me sorta thankful I have nobody to answer to and nobody else to consider (slightly selfish I know). ANYWAYS, this paragraph took a turn I was not planning to discuss just yet so returning back to the topic of *this year*

**maybe being single has been both a high and a low**

I felt a lot of anger, bitterness, and sadness this year. For various reasons and sometimes for reasons I don't even know. I was close to calling the doc and getting something to lift the spirits - a happy pill if you will - but decided against it. I'm glad I didn't. I'm okay now....

The highs -

I found a church I love and renewing my relationship with God really helped me through all the lows this year.

NYC. NYC. NYC. (you can see my pictures on Facebook)

That's about it.

Anyways, I'm not sad to see 2011 go. I'll be posting soon about the fantastic plans I have for 2012 but I'll give you a hint right now....................................................................................................................

.......I plan to start dating again in January 2012...........