How Many Drinks

"Pilates and milk did that body so good...." - Miguel

Breastfeeding.

First, my story: I was not breast fed. My two baby friends that were born within the same month as me were. I was only sick once as a baby and maybe once a year as a child. They were sick A LOT. Coughing, runny noses, fever etc. I was also always a healthy baby weight. They were chunkers. I've always been super close to my mom. Last I knew, neither of them spoke to theirs very much, if at all. They certainly weren't the "favorite child" in their households.

"But Cheyenne, are you saying that everything we've been taught about breastfeeding is wrong? That it doesn't help the baby's immune system and weight and 'bonding' with the mother and all that good stuff?"

Nope, not saying that. I'm sure it's all great. I'm simply saying let's stop glamorizing breast milk so much and being so negative about formula. It's all good. The fact of the matter is simple - my mom kept me clean, fed, and dry. She didn't just stick a bottle in my mouth (or shove a breast in my face) - she rotated diluted juice and milk, made sure I got plenty of sleep...held me often and played with me often. I was always clean and dressed for the environment.

My two baby friends weren't. I can look at baby pictures of us and plainly see that was the case......

It's a matter of parenting, not just milk.

Wasn't I so cute!?!

I worked on the post-partum floor for over two years. I heard wonderful things about breast milk every day and negative things about formula all the time. I know that's how God intended it. Even after that, my decision stands: should I every conceive, I will not breast feed. I may pump, but I doubt it. My reasons are my own, but please, keep your judgement to yourself. Examine your own life, not mine. Thanks.

But on to the reason I decided to write this....

I've seen a ton of pro-breastfeeding posts on Facebook thanks to "world breastfeeding week" or whatever.

Most of them are over women being "shamed" for feeding in public. I think I enjoy the media spin on it all more than the actual story, because roughly 90% of the media warps everything!

Look, I'm all for you doing what you want for your baby. Do it! Hell, do it in public - but cover yourself up. I think women who don't honestly just want attention and that's pathetic. Yes, you have the right to breast feed whenever needed and I have the right to not have to see your boob. I see enough at work, I don't need to see it when I go to the grocery story. You have rights and so do I...and so do kids and their parents who don't want to have that conversation of "what is that lady doing?"....it's common sense to use a cover-up and everybody wins. If you don't have a cover up, go to the damn restroom. Or maybe consider pumping at home so that when you are out, you can bottle feed and let it all hang out at home!

I don't apologize if I offended anyone because it's my blog and my opinions. I will say, as a disclaimer, I am in quite the mood today and I know better than to write rants when I'm like this....but I digress.

Young and Beautiful

"Hot summer nights, mid-July, when you and I were forever wild. The crazy days, city lights, the way you'd play with me like a child." - Lana Del Rey, Young and Beautiful


I felt the need to blog today since it's been over two months since I last updated! So, a quick update for now and I'm really really hoping to start writing again regularly, especially with school starting soon - writing is one of my favorite ways to decompress and escape!

So in my last post, I mentioned a summer series of past train wrecks, err, I mean "relationships" and maybe a few posts about John. That's all in the works right now.

I also mentioned that I was going to be "relaxing" all summer.....YEAH RIGHT! The summer started with an announcement at work that they were making cuts across the whole health system....I thought "maybe the unit clerks will be fine, most of us know multiple jobs and there are so few of us and we're probably the lowest paid in the department, shouldn't be us"......WRONG! Thankfully I kept my job but I honestly feel bad for the girl who lost hers! Don't get me on my rant about letting a unit clerk go and then hiring a handful of new techs and nurses....I become even more long-winded and upset every time I think about it!

Also, the day after I posted that last blog, I woke up at 3 am screaming in pain from what I thought was appendicitis.....turned out to just be an ovarian cyst (because my body hates me) so my doctor put me on a different birth control. I hate it! My face is a train wreak, I look like a teenage boy no lie! I've gained a good ten pounds in the last 2 months, and I'm just plain angry/cranky....moreso than usual (hard to believe, I know!). Needless to say, I'll take a cysts over this hormonal crap any day so I'm going back to the old stuff! Was that TMI? I don't really care, obviously if you are reading this, you want to share in my pain haha.....

Also, John and I are determined to finally get in shape. We keep yo-yo-ing because of course it's more enjoyable to go out and eat and watch movies than it is to make your own food and work out....but all I know is the jeans that I once felt great in won't button now and I just can't have that! I've been living in dresses and bummy "work out" shorts all summer so nobody notices, but I'm tired of feeling bad about myself. So instead of rewarding ourselves with food, we are working 10 pounds at a time....every 10 pounds we both lose, we get to treat ourselves with something small....but we can't get it until BOTH of us loses, so that we keep motivating each other instead of enabling. So I'll probably head to Sephora for my small splurge while he'll probably get a new video game. Hey....motivation is motivation!

So yea, hasn't been the "best" summer but it's okay. Honestly, my "best" summers fell when I was 8 or 9 or when I was in DC, so, unless I spend a summer on a beach somewhere, it is what it is. But, me being the nerd that I am, I'm really excited for school to start! I will still have my night with mom - we watch TV and she usually cooks for me haha - and one date night with John each week to keep my sanity.....the rest I'll either be working or studying or sleeping.....yay for me! Haha. But really, I couldn't be more excited (and nervous) for it!  I just hope I'm able to work full-time and make it through.

Beautiful

"You're beautiful, you're beautiful. You are made for so much more than all of this. You're beautiful, you're beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His." - MercyMe

I love this song! I first heard it a couple of years ago, I was having a rough time and a dear friend texted me one night and told me to listen to. It's great, listen if you haven't heard it!

What's new with me? So glad you asked!

In a nutshell...I'm fat, happy, and stressed about how I'm going to pay for nursing school......wait, what? Yes, that's right. I got into nursing school at....wait for it..... OU...BOOMER SOONER for life!

"But Chiny, I thought you were going to be a PA or maybe still try to be a doctor? "

Originally yes, but truth is, my life has gotten to the point that I am just ready to move forward in some way...I am ready to have a stable career - not worry whether or not my job is safe - not struggle with money anymore. I am ready to enjoy my life more (I enjoy it now, but on a very tight budget lol). I want to enjoy my hobbies (aka, be able to afford them). Is being a nurse going to be enough? No. But it will be for a while. I would love to do a little travel nursing. Ultimately, I will go back for my NP in a few years, which is the same as a PA anyways....it's just taking me longer to get there now. This is good for me. I can still do my medical mission trips or the peace corps that I've always wanted to do. The jobs I've applied for with my Biology degree that sound really interesting to me all want a nursing degree....so the possibilities in my life are going to become nearly endless!

I've applied to PA school twice, and taken the MCAT twice.....both didn't work out. This was my first year to apply to nursing school and had no problems. You have to remember, I was always praying that God put me where he wants me, not where I want to be. I guess He did. On that note, since I love a challenge, I will strive to be in the top 5% of my class!

"Chiny, why do you think you are fat?"

Old age! Plain and simple. Let me clarify, I've got a pooch in my tummy, jiggle on my thighs, and my arms are not toned..people make fun of me for putting hands on my hips in photos, there's a reason I do it! I still have a waist and can fit into some of my favorite clothes, but some jeans and shorts will not button at this time. I had a conversation with a friend today (the same one that sent me that song above) about being "fat"...I said, "I keep trying to remember what I was doing 3 years ago because I looked great and felt great. I went on long walks but that's it." My friend said "We did NOTHING but eat junk food...donuts and Dr. Pepper every day!" I have been going on my long walks which are great...but I've been trying to eat so healthy this year (except for my cheese fry weakness), yet I feel like my body is having a bad reaction to healthy food haha! Wondering if going back to corn dogs, donuts, candy bars etc would help me loose this weight?!?! Haha!!

I've never been "skinny"...I've always had a little wiggle jiggle and curves, but there was a time that I felt great about myself and could wear most clothes without that "I look awful" feeling.

But, I want to maintain "health"...so I'm going to have to figure out a balance. I'll let you know in my Busy Body Blog what that is when I figure it out.

"But, at least you are happy!"

For the most part, yes! I'm not stressing over this weight thing too much. I'll figure it out. I'm on vacation right now, just relaxing and decompressing after a lot of overtime at work and school stress.....but, I made an A in Biochem. John said it was because I had the right boyfriend this time haha! P.S., I plan to write a blog about the train wrecks of my past sometime this summer....it'll be a good read!

John is great - I plan to write a blog about him too - maybe I'll make it a special summer series haha. He's always supportive, always tells me I'm beautiful, and is just good to me. I need that, it helps so much!

I'm really excited to have the summer off to literally go to the pool, work 3 days a week, and sleep or just plain relax! Saving money this summer!

"Saving money...in the summer?!"

As if I didn't do that already, I'm stressing about paying for school. Applying to every scholarship I can find and hoping and praying that I get some and my student loans won't have to be too high. I could use your prayers here.

That's my life update for now! Bye bye loves!

Crash and Burn

"If I fall and crash and burn, at least we both know that I tried. As I crawl, those lessons learned, they remind me I survived. I've been hurt, and I've been scarred, at least I know that I'm alive...at least we both know that I tried" - Lifehouse

Time for a life update, I've been slacking.


So, once again, did not get into PA school. Boo. But lately, I'm thinking maybe that's okay. I'm going to take my GRE again and right now I'm retaking the dreaded Biochem just to prove I can do better. But lately, the only thing I can think about is the MCAT. Maybe I still want to be a doctor? I just don't know.....my indecision is almost depressing.

Also, my weight. Listen, you can venture over to my healthy blog right now, it's still new and gaining momentum, but the fact is....I'm in a rut. I'm eating better, working out, taking vitamins....and my body is at a stand still.....the sad thing is, I know why and right now there's nothing I can do about it.

Why, Cheyenne, why is this happening to you?

Well, let me tell you.....*work*

I left the ER in 2006 and in about a month or two, I had lost 20 pounds. I didn't change my diet and just continued to do my daily walks (no running at that time)....20 pounds.....of stress......gone!

I returned in April 2010 and guess what, 3 years later....20 pounds are back and not budging.

But wait, I love the energy of the ER, I love fast-pace work, so a little stress isn't a problem, right? Well here's the thing....it's not the job itself, it's everything else. It's the morale of my co-workers, the ignorance, the lack of consistency and communication.....it's me worrying how much longer until they decide they don't need my position, it's getting a call to come in an hour after I've called-in sick. It's the fact that I can't leave work at work because it follows me home. I have to vent when I get home. I listen John vent. Sometimes even my mom has to vent. I don't know how to let it go when I clock-out. Any suggestions??? (other than finding another job, as that's not an option due to the need for flexibility - they do let me make my own schedule for the most part, so that's one good thing).

Needless to say, the year is starting out a little rough and incredibly hectic. I'm so exhausted! I took a couple weeks off in May (as I do every year) and I've just put in for time off in September....it's important to take breaks, even if you don't go anywhere......getting away from that toxicity is important!

Love Like Crazy

"Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse 'I love you.' Go to work, do your best, and don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your prayin' knees get lazy, and love like crazy!" - Lee Brice

These words are perfect for beginning a new year. Truly good words to live by.

I always have "goals" I try to accomplish each year. Call them "resolutions" if you want, but I really think they are goals. If I don't finish them, fine. If I do, fine.

My goals this year are somewhat standard and boring, but I'm looking forward to completing them.

I thought I'd share them so that it is down for everyone to see and a year from now you can ask me "Cheyenne, did you do all of that?" Hopefully I can say "yes, damn sure did!"

Here they are, 13 goals for 2013.....in no particular order:

1) get into school (I don't have control over that at this point, God does. I'm just waiting on the word...)
2) get my house clean/organized and keep it that way!!! I'm good about getting it clean (sometimes) but it never stays that way for long. I've always been a messy person, all my life. I hope I can develop good habits to change that. Grandma says it's because I "live" in my house, whereas some people are just always on the go in theirs. Who knows?!
3) run/walk three 5K fun-runs, unless school doesn't allow for it. Last year I did two so I thought 3 would be reasonable. Hopefully the Warrior Dash will be in there, but with all the injuries, I'm not sure it's a smart idea
4) make my front flower beds more appealing, concrete around my front porch, fence in my front yard, finally make a compost bin, and actually put up Christmas lights next year! (Thanks mom for buying me some haha!)
5) sell my eggs and use the money to take a good trip or two (dependent upon school again) - don't judge me!
6) actually do some of the things I've pinned on Pinterest, including recreating some of those adorable outfits!! Promise I will post pics of them on my C.R.A.M.P.S. blog!
7) continue to work-out and eat better - hopefully lose just 1 dress size, though I'm fine with how I am now as long as I get more toned! Follow my progress here on my "getting healthy" blog!
8) be more persistent in my prayers and better at praying for others that I know need it
9) continue to serve at church and go/watch it regularly. I love Life Church!
10) get back to my old Life Group or find a new one, depending on work and school
11) volunteer more!
12) train Charlie as a "care pet" to take to nursing homes and whatnot to make people feel better. I know he always makes me smile!
.......And lastly......
13) Be a best friend, tell the truth, overuse "I love you." Go to work, do my best, don't outsmart my common sense. Never let my praying knees get lazy, and love like crazy!

I guess that's about all. Totally reasonable!

What are some of your goals?

The Dog Days Are Over

"Happiness hit her, like a train on a track" - Florence and the Machine

It's been a while, but here we go.....

On January 1st, I began a post titled "Real" with this paragraph:

"Last January 1st I said "I am going to make this a good year" - well, it wasn't. So I won't say that this year. I will say that I'm going to find some good in every day and focus on that. Hopefully by the end of the year - or December 21st when it all ends - I can look back and say "this was a great year." Fingers crossed."

Here we are, the end of this year.......so the big question of course is: was it a great year?

Yes. It was. Finally!

I haven't had this good of a year in a long time. Oh sure, I've had moments of years that were wonderful (such as my internships), but the years as a whole were less than desirable. This year, nothing *resume* worthy happened - school-wise/job-wise - I just worked at the same job it seems I will die at, took some classes (very fun ones!), and applied to PA and nursing school (still waiting on answers).

So what made it so great? Well, I'll tell you.

The first thing(s) was God, friends, and family. I continued strengthening my relationship with God through prayer (and faith!) and I became more involved in church, which has been wonderful! There have been moments of despair that my family has talked me through and listened to me vent and stress about. Going to Cozumel with my mom (and others) was so great! And I've had tons of laughs with all my friends!

The paragraph above was featured in a post about dating. If you remember, I kicked off my year with a date and continued to date a few guys for a couple of months.....

Which brings me to my second reason for this being a great year....

John.

*DISCLAIMER* I'm not really the type of girl to get mushy-gushy in a public post about a guy, BUT, he and I were talking about our "date nights" a long time ago and he said something about hoping to give me a date that was blog-worthy sometime, since I posted about my first date of the year and all. The truth is, he has done a ton of things that have been blog-worthy...I'm just lazy and haven't been blogging much. So while I was stressing over what to do for him for Christmas, a *lightbulb* came on - dedicate a post to him. Genius! I know :)

So here it is.....

We can start with a few of the nice little things he's done for me:
1. On 3 or 4 random occasions, he's surprised me with roses - not as apologies or holidays, but "just because"
2. He surprised me with a limo in Vegas
3. He bought a ballroom dancing Groupon for us, without my consent, but it ended up being really fun
4. He brings me a Dr. Pepper daily at work (sometimes even from Sonic), sometimes 2 if I'm cranky
5. He reads/subscribes to my blog and apparently has since before we started dating....which is either creepy or sweet, I haven't decided yet....haha, just kidding...he says it was to "learn more about me" since I wasn't very open
6. He took me to Philbrook and then the gun range on our second date - it was awesome!
7. He asked to go to church with me after a couple months of dating, and rarely misses now....he goes without me when I'm at work and takes notes for me.

There are a lot of things, but if I named them all, this list would be forever long....these are just the memories that I've cherished most this year.

We have been friends since I transferred back to the ER in April 2010...I had a crush on him after only talking to him a few times....then learned he had a girlfriend.....buzzkill. So I went on with my business. Fast-forward to January, he asked me to go out for drinks a month or so after he became single...I said yes but in the back of my mind I was wondering why and if this was some sort of rebound thing.....I refused to be a rebound so I definitely kept my distance and my guard up for a long time. Shortly after that, my grandpa died (the one bad thing from this year, but even that was bearable because I know he's resting now and not in pain or confused)....most people think I handled it pretty well. But really, I was putting myself in a coma every night so I wouldn't cry (either by way of Nyquil, Ambien, or Vodka...ha!). John ended up being the person I talked to about it most. I don't know why considering I was still getting to know him, but for the next 2 or 3 weeks, we just talked and talked - e-mails, the phone, in person - he listened very well and seemed genuine enough. I didn't want to comatize myself when I talked to him, so I'd like to say he was a big part of helping me through those few weeks and I'm very thankful to him for it.

Most people didn't know we were dating until a month or two ago.....which is what we wanted.....but things have went well thus far so we decided we didn't need to keep it so quiet anymore.

As far as the future goes, we are just rolling with it. Things are going great and I'm happy. We are waiting to see what happens with my school.....if I end up nearby or don't get in this time around, we'll continue with what we've got going. If by the grace of God I get into Chicago or NYC, neither of us are fans of long distance and don't want to hold each other back, so we'll just see. I just know that I've dated a lot of guys, most of which are on my "crosswalk list" (if I saw them in a crosswalk, I might hit the gas instead of the brakes), and well, John makes me smile and laugh and this is the best relationship I've been in. I trust in God's will, and whatever is supposed to happen will happen for both of us.

MERRY CHRISTMAS JOHN! I hope you know how grateful I am to have you in my life!

Unthinkable

"I need you to rescue me from my destiny, I'm trying to live right and give you whatever's left of me. You know life is what we make it, and a chance is like a picture, it'd be nice if you just take it....got more than a thing for you, tattoo in the ink for you, right over my heart, I'll do the unthinkable." - Drake (song is "Unthinkable" by Alicia Keys, Drake is on the remix)

There is something so bittersweet about September......and October.....and November.......and oh what the heck, throw December in there too. Something about the Fall. Something I absolutely love and something I despise all in the same moment.

I can't explain it all that well, but I'll try.

First, I LOVE FALL FASHION. Oh how I love the clothes. BOOTS BOOTS and more BOOTS! And light layers. And leggings. And....you get the idea :)

Second, I LOVE FALL WEATHER. Not too cold but cool enough to just walk outside. Like Spring, but without the allergies! And the leaves are changing.....ahhh, I'm smiling just thinking about it.....

But Fall comes with some feelings that are not so great.....as previously mentioned, bittersweet. Mostly in the way of boys. Since 2007, every year without fail, there has been a boy (whether serious or not so much) or the memory of a boy that there has been some sort of roller coaster emotions with. I won't go into details. Some hurt more than others but either way, I also get both sentimental and sad around this time of year. I even have a playlist that I add to every year for the Fall.......


In Memory - Shinedown
Love, Save the Empty - Erin McCarley
Soft Skeletons  -Anberlin
Where I Stood  - Missy Higgins
Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Cary Brothers
I Feel It All - Feist
This Is The Thing - Fink
Sooner than Later - Drake
Head or Your Heart  - Mat Kearney
Element - Moses Mayfield
Valley of Tomorrow - NeedtoBreathe
Impossible - Anberlin
Un-Thinkable (I'm Ready) - Alicia Keys Ft. Drake
This Perfect Thing - Honestly
Trust Me - The Fray
Vienna - The Fray
Crash And Burn - Lifehouse
Only One  - Lifehouse
Still - Matt Nathanson
Can't Be Friends - Trey Songz
Unfortunate - Trey Songz
I Get Lonely Too - Drake

There is something else I love about Fall though, I love the feeling of "starting fresh"......for a lot of people, that comes in the Spring, but not for me. Think of that "back to school" feeling. I even have certain movies I always watch (You've Got Mail and Breakfast at Tiffany's) around this time.

I feel like I'm starting fresh this year, and I have a feeling that bittersweet feeling won't happen this year. I've got too much to look forward to with my *hopeful* future..... plus, I have somebody to talk to and make me smile (let's hope it stays that way, otherwise that'll be the fifth year in a row.....ha!).

It's been a while since I wrote, so I thought I'd try to get back into the swing of things, especially on the eve of my Facebook deactivation.