Ordinary Pain

"We don't have to talk about the ones that we can't live without. Everybody needs somebody, it's just an ordinary pain." - Lifehouse

I grew up with the mentality that I think most of us did - you can do anything you set your mind to......you can be anything you want to be. As I got older each year, I had support in everything I did and was always reminded that I can and will achieve greatness in everything I do. I mean, I interned with the FBI and Hopkins (not bragging, just saying) so I know I have a brain and common sense. BUT......

*PARENTING* ------ is this a job I'm cut out for.....a job I'm capable of ever doing full-time?

I ask this question after months and months of soul searching and frankly, after spending 18 hours with two 11 year old girls. ELEVEN YEARS OLD - no diapers or midnight feedings and I'm freaking exhausted!

"Can we do this before we do this?" "I want chick-fil-a, no I want subway" "My dad gave me $10 worth of quarters to play video games before the movie.......this machine won't take quarters, do you have $2?....This machine only takes dollars too" "I want to see Bad Teacher" How do you people do it? Not to mention the midnight Pepsi spill that went all over my end table, my mail, and my floor because they thought they should have a pillow fight.

Now, yes, I said months and months of soul searching. Maybe it's the biological clock? Maybe it's the loneliness? Maybe it's the fact that my nearest and dearest friends are marrying and reproducing left and right. I'm not sure, I just know that for the past year or so, or at least this year, I've considered reconsidering my stance on children.

What is my stance? If you know me, you know this answer. If you don't - here it goes. I've never wanted kids. Ever. I didn't play "house" with my baby dolls growing up. I played doctor. Kids have always liked me, always been drawn to me. Which I find weird because they make me so uncomfortable. I don't know how to talk around them, what to talk about. I don't know how to play Barbie or anything like that. I just never felt that I was built for children. There are a lot of religious reasons for not wanting them; I won't go there today but I'll tell you it has to do with the way the world is and my fear for raising kids in it.

With that said, I know I'd be a good mother - or at least, I'd learn to be a good mother. How do I know? Besides the fact that I've been told this by a lot of people, I know I have a lot of "motherly qualities." I always have. At 18, I agreed to take full responsibility for my little cousin if something ever happened to my uncle *ahem, this is the 11 year old from above btw.* In February, I took the responsibility of Godmother for my best friends two daughters. I turned down the offer a few years ago (because of the fear of the children) but something told me to take it this time. I was honored to be asked because it's a huge responsibility and I like knowing that I have some qualities that my friend appreciated enough to consider me. But again, was it the biological clock that made me say "yes?" Working in the postpartum unit for a couple years might have made me soft to the idea. Being around newborns all the time. I even have baby names picked out...you know, just in case.....not that there will be a "just in case" accident since I'm a firm believer in birth control AND condoms - but that's a whole other story.

At this point, I'm not saying I want kids or don't want kids. I just question if I would ever have the patience to have them? Will I feel like I'm missing out if I don't have them? Will I miss out on things if I do have them? Will I feel tied down?

As mentioned in a previous post, let's just worry about finding a husband first. Haha!

And P.S., I love my Charlie more than I could ever express. To me, at this point in my life, he is the perfect child!