I Get Lonely Too

"Baby, I could really get to know you. Take my time and show you......just like you, I get lonely too." - Drake (cover of TLC's Fanmail)

I'm very independent. And I mean VERY I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. I always have been. I go shopping, eat, see movies...everything...by myself. I almost booked a trip to NYC for just me for the fall and the only thing that stopped me was limited funding. I have my own house, a paid off SUV, the same job for 9+ years, and I've raised pretty much one of the best dogs ever (minus the barking). I need my "alone time" - it's crucial for my survival and sanity.

I've recently joined a Bible study group that meets once a week and discusses various topics. I've really enjoyed it. Everyone is around my age and single.....and so Godly in their actions and words, which is refreshing. Last night and a few weeks ago there was a little bit of discussion about being single and this time in our lives, in my life. How God will use me differently now than He will IF He blesses me with marriage. Most of the people there are very thankful to be single and really enjoying this time that God is giving them to glorify Him with their ways. I feel almost bad for saying it, but I'm not right there with them.....I'm somewhere in between.

I do want to use this time to work for God and His kingdom and sometimes I feel totally fine and comfortable with where I am, but I'm so lonely at the same time. Maybe "lonely" isn't the right word but I don't quite the know how to say it. I guess I just feel "unsettled" or something. Like there is some sort of internal conflict. See, I don't really want to date right now. Dating is exhausting. It is and isn't fun at the same time. I like being at home on the weekends a lot more than I used to, but I wouldn't mind being at home with somebody. But at the same time, I don't want to sound like a girl who just wants a boyfriend, because Lord knows that is not the case! A) I do not need a man to survive and B) I'm super picky. It's just hard to watch other people in all their happiness. Today a girl got a sweet e-mail from her boyfriend and I couldn't help but thinking "I miss that feeling".....it brought tears to the surface, though they didn't fall.

Affection is a big deal for me. Not always physical affection (we'll dive into that issue some other time), but verbal affection too. I don't do well with compliments, never have. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate them. Telling me how much you like me, miss me, whatever....it's all good. Unless of course the feeling isn't mutual, then you've just made it awkward. Anyways......there is a need that we all have, a need to be wanted and loved and held etc etc. And do not preach to me here - I love God with all my heart, but there is a reason He made Eve for Adam....

This is the first year in 5 years that I have been truly alone. Maybe not every guy that was around was a "boyfriend" or even someone I was dating, but there has always been someone to occupy my time and keep my mind busy. There was always someone to offer affection. Not having that now really sucks. The kicker? I have had the opportunities to have friends/dates and the affection and companionship those offer this year, I just don't want them - nice guys, I just have no desire, somethings just not there. So what's a girl to do? Just pray and wait I guess. Seems like the waiting will never end, but luckily my faith is forever.

Ordinary Pain

"We don't have to talk about the ones that we can't live without. Everybody needs somebody, it's just an ordinary pain." - Lifehouse

I grew up with the mentality that I think most of us did - you can do anything you set your mind to......you can be anything you want to be. As I got older each year, I had support in everything I did and was always reminded that I can and will achieve greatness in everything I do. I mean, I interned with the FBI and Hopkins (not bragging, just saying) so I know I have a brain and common sense. BUT......

*PARENTING* ------ is this a job I'm cut out for.....a job I'm capable of ever doing full-time?

I ask this question after months and months of soul searching and frankly, after spending 18 hours with two 11 year old girls. ELEVEN YEARS OLD - no diapers or midnight feedings and I'm freaking exhausted!

"Can we do this before we do this?" "I want chick-fil-a, no I want subway" "My dad gave me $10 worth of quarters to play video games before the movie.......this machine won't take quarters, do you have $2?....This machine only takes dollars too" "I want to see Bad Teacher" How do you people do it? Not to mention the midnight Pepsi spill that went all over my end table, my mail, and my floor because they thought they should have a pillow fight.

Now, yes, I said months and months of soul searching. Maybe it's the biological clock? Maybe it's the loneliness? Maybe it's the fact that my nearest and dearest friends are marrying and reproducing left and right. I'm not sure, I just know that for the past year or so, or at least this year, I've considered reconsidering my stance on children.

What is my stance? If you know me, you know this answer. If you don't - here it goes. I've never wanted kids. Ever. I didn't play "house" with my baby dolls growing up. I played doctor. Kids have always liked me, always been drawn to me. Which I find weird because they make me so uncomfortable. I don't know how to talk around them, what to talk about. I don't know how to play Barbie or anything like that. I just never felt that I was built for children. There are a lot of religious reasons for not wanting them; I won't go there today but I'll tell you it has to do with the way the world is and my fear for raising kids in it.

With that said, I know I'd be a good mother - or at least, I'd learn to be a good mother. How do I know? Besides the fact that I've been told this by a lot of people, I know I have a lot of "motherly qualities." I always have. At 18, I agreed to take full responsibility for my little cousin if something ever happened to my uncle *ahem, this is the 11 year old from above btw.* In February, I took the responsibility of Godmother for my best friends two daughters. I turned down the offer a few years ago (because of the fear of the children) but something told me to take it this time. I was honored to be asked because it's a huge responsibility and I like knowing that I have some qualities that my friend appreciated enough to consider me. But again, was it the biological clock that made me say "yes?" Working in the postpartum unit for a couple years might have made me soft to the idea. Being around newborns all the time. I even have baby names picked out...you know, just in case.....not that there will be a "just in case" accident since I'm a firm believer in birth control AND condoms - but that's a whole other story.

At this point, I'm not saying I want kids or don't want kids. I just question if I would ever have the patience to have them? Will I feel like I'm missing out if I don't have them? Will I miss out on things if I do have them? Will I feel tied down?

As mentioned in a previous post, let's just worry about finding a husband first. Haha!

And P.S., I love my Charlie more than I could ever express. To me, at this point in my life, he is the perfect child!

Make-up Bag

"If you ever make your girlfriend mad, don't let your good girl go bad. Drop five stacks on that make-up bag." - The Dream

I went running this morning and this song by The Dream came on during the shuffle. Long story short, it's about a guy whose girlfriend is mad because she caught him cheating but he can buy back her love and forgiveness if he spends enough money on her.

To clarify, the "make up bag" is not about cosmetics. It's what a man would buy a woman to "make up" with her.

So it got me thinking about what men do to "apologize" to women. I don't know that I could forgive cheating, and hopefully I'll never have to find out. That's a bridge I'll cross if I ever come to it. But still, men do lots of dumb things that can be forgiven. Do they still buy flowers for women to say "sorry"? Unacceptable. Do not buy me flowers to apologize, do not buy me flowers on my birthday or Valentines day. Buy me flowers on a random Tuesday because you were thinking about me. That's the only time it's okay, at least for me (some women like them all the time). ****And NEVER send flowers to my job but that's another story (some people know what I mean here!!!)****

Anyways, ladies, what would be in your "make up bag" if you had one? I'm not materialistic and I don't want things bought for me generally. But I think I could forgive a guy for something little if he bought me a Sonic Dr Pepper and some peanut butter M&M's....and maybe some BBQ Pringles. Yep, junk food is the way to my heart. Ha!

Whatever You're Doing

Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace..... - Sanctus Real

I will never forget when I was little, probably 6 or 7, my grandpa took me fishing one day. Early that morning, we went up to Mr Bass (in Skiatook) and got a bunch of bait (minnows) and headed to Skiatook Lake with his little boat. We went out on the lake for what seemed like hours and hours. I don't remember if we actually caught anything or not - I don't think I did - but it was a great day.

About 3 or 4 years ago, he told me he wanted to go one more time with me and my little cousin (she will be 11 in a couple weeks) and she's told me many times she wanted to go "fishing with grandpa".....I just kept saying "we will when I'm off and there's good weather."

Last year on Christmas, I was sitting in the living room, just me and grandpa, and he told me he wanted to try to take my grandma out to Nevada to see her sister. He said "I think we both know it'll probably be the last trip I take." I just shook my head and said something like "geeze grandpa, way to ruin the spirit of today" or something close to that.....

It breaks my heart to know that he was right.

The last couple months grandpa has been getting sicker and sicker. Earlier this week we learned that he has had small strokes and apparently a mild case of Parkinson's which has become more evident now that he is not working. Yesterday we found out that he probably has some form of cancer but they don't know exactly what kind until they run more tests.

There is a lot more going on but I don't feel like sharing it. I just don't want him to suffer and I want my grandma to be okay. I'm sad that we never got to take another fishing trip. He's too weak to go on one now.